The Elephant In The Room

Well both elephants I guess I should say.

So we have decided to do elephants in baby number 2's room. If it is a girl they will be pink, if it is a boy they will be blue. Wow - I am creative - Pink for a girl and blue for boy. Who would have thought? Haha! In any case, we just like the reference to Africa and my mom found the pattern for a quilt wall hanging that I absolutely LOVE that we are going to alter a bit to have Elephants rather than the bunnies they show it with in the pattern. I am not big on the whole "theme room" thing but at least this gives me something to start thinking about/planning for.

The other Elephant.

I would like to say that people are probably wondering why we are adopting since we already have a beautiful, smart, healthy birth daughter. That is always one of the first questions or "elephants" on everyone's mind when someone says they are adopting. But in our case, I have a feeling most people think they already know why we are adopting our second child. And so, I would like to formally dispel all rumors and/or address the elephant in the room.

Long before Tessa was even an twinkle in either of our eyes, Jeff and I had talked about adoption. I always knew that if for some reason I was unable to have birth children (either because we waited to long to have kids or for other issues) that I didn't want to go through fertility treatments, or even the whole emotional roller coaster of wondering if we would ever be able to have kids. I just didn't feel like it was necessary. I still don't. Adoption has always been something I have been okay with and talking about it with Jeff...we agreed that it would be a possibility for us in the future.

And then I got pregnant with Tessa. And got really sick and almost died. Like 3 times. In the middle of it all, I kept saying how there was never going to be another baby coming out of my body again if could help it. A number of people brushed it off and said "Oh everyone says that right after they give birth. Just give it time, you will forget and want more." I hate to say it, but it pissed me off at the time. I felt like it made light of the fact that I almost died (did I mention 3 times????) and had the nerve to assume that what I went through was like "everyone" else. So when we told people we had decided to adopt...this is the reason, I assume, many thought that we were adopting. Because of what happened to me medically and my response to it.

Really though, the reason is that we WANT to adopt. And now, its that we want to adopt a child from Ethiopia.

There is truth in what I said about not wanting to have another birth child again. But I will also finally admit that there is also a little truth to what some people said about doing it again (that originally pissed me off). It wasn't that I forgot, or that my love for Tessa made me okay with doing it again...it was more that there were things and experiences that I did and did not get to have that I wanted to have again or to have at all. I had a normal pregnancy...but I wanted the excitement of trying to get pregnant (we didn't quite have that with Tessa to say the least) and I wanted a normal delivery. To go into labor. To enjoy the moment when she was born and the first weeks and months after. Most importantly probably, to breastfeed another child (I think it goes without saying how attached I feel to this amazing opportunity to have between a mother and a child).

For everyone who thought they already knew the reason we were adopting, the reality of the situation is this: I can do all of these things, have all of these experiences. We have met with the doctors, the high risk specialists and they all told me I can have another child again if I want to. I would be high risk, higher risk than even the first time...but it is all manageable, made more so by the fact that they have a heads up and can be on the lookout. I think the problem now is...I just don't want to. We decided to adopt long before I ever thought about HELLP, and Maternal Fetal Medicine, and Mag Sulfate, and nursing pads. Maybe these things were just God's way of reminding us of this decision.

So I guess I can't totally say "you are wrong if you think we are adopting because of what happend with my delivery and after." It did play a part in our adoption. It may very well have been the thing that kicked us in gear and been the reminder that we needed. It just isn't the reason. The reason is that we WANT to adopt. And now, its that we want to adopt a child from Ethiopia.

I get that adoption is not for everyone. And it shouldn't be. But it is for us.

Yeah for the Chapman Family!!!

We just found out last week that the below mentioned family who is also adopting from ET has gotten a referral for a little girl!! We are so excited for them and finally got to speak with them and hear all about their little Ruth last night!! It really was a reminder of what we will be going through sooner than we think! Pray for them as they await more steps in the process (court dates, etc.), plan their travel, and get ready to bring Ruth Lee home!!! We are so happy for Dawn and Stephen (and Ruth too)!!

Maya's Mercato

So I found this really cool site for artisans and businesses all working to benefit Ethiopians. Looks like they have some cool stuff. Check it out (and order something!!!)!
http://mayasmercato.com/

I think Jeff, Tessa and I are going to try to do the Carry Water Campaign walk that is listed on the main page Sept 20th if anyone else is interested in joining us. I need to look into it a bit more. I am also wondering if they allow you/if there is a way to run with a gallon of water!!

Movin' On Up!

So...we are now number 19 on the waitlist!!! Not as big of a jump as I was expecting, but progress none-the-less. I never know how accurate the numbers are for how long since, even though referrals have gone out (i.e. they have notified families on the waitlist that they have been matched with a child), families are not removed from the waitlist until they formally accept their referral (i.e. after they review pertinant medical info with their pediatrician, etc). But for now...we are 19!! And movin' on up!!!

Sick

So I have been complaining that I can't focus...apparently its the curse of the wait list. Whatever it is I can't focus....

But now I am sick....I am so invested in this (like who isn't at this point?) and any not so positive information about the process makes me sick. So I hear alot of not so positive information throug the online forums that I belong to...yahoo groups, Holt groups, Ethiopia adoptoin groups, etc. Normally I just take it in and try to move on. I know that there is nothing predictable about international adoptoin. I knew this was going to be especially hard for me, a type A who likes to know about, control and fix everything. Here is the one time I am tried to my limits. Adopting a child from foreign country. Two legal processes, two governments, two very different cultures...faith in a process and an agency. Well initially I guess this didn't hit so hard...the whole lack of control thing. Because I could still control it at that point. The decisions I made about what country to adopt from (as if I can believe that that EVER was a decision), what agency to use, what social worker to go with, etc, etc. The effect of those decisions seemed so tagable back then. Our agency had its own orphanage, they are one of the most ethical agencies in existence, there concern is children and keeping families together, not finding children for adoptive parents...all things that are important to me. I just need to remember that those decisions, those acts of control are showing their worth now. So I did, so I DO have control.....

I found out that this week that the Ethiopian Court that hears all adoption cases (i.e. allows you to adopt a child from Ethiopia) has stopped hearing cases for children who were abandoned in the capitol city of Addis Ababa. The alert from the US Department of State is below:

Ethiopia Adoption Alert
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF STATE

Bureau of Consular AffairsOffice of Children’s Issues
May 13, 2009

Adoptions of Abandoned Children Halted by Ethiopian Court:

The Ethiopian First Instance Court has temporarily stopped accepting cases involving abandoned children from orphanages in Addis Ababa, citing concern over a recent increase in the number of abandoned children being brought for adoption. The number of abandoned children from orphanages in Addis Ababa has grown dramatically in recent months and Ethiopian authorities have become aware of possible cases of unethical practices associated with some of them.

Currently neither MOWA nor the First Instance Court are accepting any abandonment case from any orphanages in Addis Ababa pending an inquiry.

*As an FYI, abandoned children are those who are left on a doorstep, found on the street, etc. Different from Relinqished children where the parents or family members are present to give them up.

So while this news makes me sick for a number of reasons, the good news is that I made good decisions before we even started the process. Our Agency, Holt International is definitely a legitmate, ethical agency and there is no chance (I mean 100% no chance) that they would be involved in unethical practices such as those the courts are concerned with. In addition, Holt does not pull children from government or outside orphanages, they opened their own Holt run orphanage so they are in charge of the intake of children, caring for them, and matching them with families so ensures us that there are no outside entities who could be acting inappropriately. Finally, the Holt orphanage where they intake children is not in the capitol city of Addis Ababa. It is located about a 7 or 8 hr drive on dirt roads South West of the capitol in a village called Durame. What this means is that none of the Holt adoptions SHOULD be affected since the problem seems to only be occuring in the capitol city. The other positive is that yesterday, our agency had an abandonment case be approved through the ET court system....in the midst of all of this, none-the-less.

But what makes me sick...is that these type of corruption issues can be precursors to countries shutting down their adoption programs altogether. Not only would this mean starting the process all over again, but it is so much more than that for me now. As I said before, I am so invested. It is not just about adopting any more. It is this country, these children... I just don't know what I would do... I want to bring home a child from Ethiopia... maybe multiple children. To give them a home, a chance for life, a family, love. I know there are other countries and children in need... but I haven't yet connected to them in the way that I have to Ethiopia. I am scared to think of having to do that all over again. The emotional investment is HUGE. But larger ramifications of this (either some or all adoptions being shut down) are that there are needy children out there who will not get placed with loving families. That there are children and families possibly being torn apart due to corruption....it doesn't matter what it is...it all just makes me sick.

So normally I don't even post these type of things. This is, afterall, international adoption. Everything is an unknown... there are lots of rumors and facts going around that are not so pleasant. But...I am just so sick about this. I guess I just needed to talk about it. Well we are months and months away from even having to think about court. We won't be assigned a court date until a month or so after we get a referral (and we have AT LEAST 4 more months before we should even bother checking our email/phones for the referral call). Who knows what will happen in that time. This is, after all, international adoption.

Pray for these children...

Humanity and Questions and Grace

So there is this whole democrat and republican thing. This whole Brooke and Jeff thing. This whole "who is responsible thing" that I have been thinking about lately. It really is this idea of social justice I think....or do I think? I don't know. But I am shocked by how differenly people feel about this whole issue. Democrats and repbulicans, Brooke's and Jeff's, American's and African's.

Who is responsible? I AM! You are! I think many would pose the question as "Who is to blame?" I work hard for my money, why should I have to clean up others messes? I think this is a cop out. Does it matter who is to blame? Isn't it humanity that calls us to be responsible?

What am I talking about? Lots of things I guess...but specifically HIV/AIDS. It is a pandemic...that the majority of the word is doing nothing about. My question to you is...How can you NOT be responsible? Isn't that the definition of humanity? The quality of being marked or motivated by concern with the alleviation of suffering. Or are you selfish like so many of us are and does our humanity only pertain to ourselves and our loved ones? I would like to think of myself as humane, but am I really? Do my actions show that I am? Am I courageous enough to be?

The reality is that the world (myself included) is standing by and watching while entire countries are being wiped out by the pandemic of HIV/AIDS. Isn't this just another form of Genocide? The medications exist to save lives. In the US, AIDS is now more a condition that you live with rather than a death sentence for most people. In places like Ethiopia, it is only a death sentence. Isn't keeping these medicines from anyone a form of genocide?

I am responsible. Why sould I be the one to pay for this? Why should America be the one to pay for this?

Why shouldn't we be?

Is having two cars, granite countertops, or an HD TV really more important than any one persons life? Well I have those things...so I guess that means that I think they are. But really is giving up those things the answer? I don't know what the answer is...but I think I want to be involved in it, whatever it is.

And so I am back to the whole democrat and repbulican thing....the Jeff and Brooke thing. I belive in sharing the wealth we are lucky enough to have with those less fortunate that us, the wealth that we have been afforded by the lives and countries we were born into. Jeff thinks it is not fair that we work hard and have to give our money to people who don't work as hard. It's all how you view it I guess. But these differences, they just have me thinking... who is responsible? Where is the humanity? What can I do?

I am called to act. The question is how? I am trying to figure that out...

This is from the web site of th book From Ashes to Africa:

Our story begins where the trailhead ends.
A rocky marriage.
Life pressures.
Infertility.

The deep, dark woods. We've all
been there.

Good stories, though, always contain a moment of
grace. A moment where the narrative arc takes a surprising twist, and
bends toward hope.

For us, that exquisite moment of grace took
place in an orphanage in Africa
where we met and fell in love with a baby
boy named Tesfamariam.

Adoption was our awakening. It's where
we discovered a world within our
world made up of 4.4 million orphans. As a
result, we know we can't go back to
life as normal. Instead we feel summoned
to a lifestyle of involvement with the
"least of these."

I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like this is my moment of Grace...

Our Dossier is in Ethiopia! (And some background info FYI)

So we just got the email today from our adoption agency that our dossier arrived safely in Ethiopia! Before it arrived in ET, our dossier first went (from our adoption agency) to the US State Department for authentication, and from there it went to the Ethiopian Embassy in Washington D.C. for further authentication. Now that it is in Ethiopia, it will be translated and prepared for court. One more step down in the process!!

What is this "dossier" some of you may be asking...(since I am not so good at relaying all the details)... Well, the dossier is a collection of documents and paperwork that you may have heard me vaguely refer to when I kept talking about all of the "paper-chasing" we were doing in the first few months of '09. Basically it consists of personal letters of reference, letters from the bank, fingerprint clearance from local law enforcement, employer verification and reference letters, a letter to the Ministry of Womens Affairs in ET stating our motivation and intent to adopt, medical letters from both Jeff's and my physician's, past years tax returns, etc, etc, as well as very important document called our Homestudy. The homestudy is a long written report that we got from our social work agency after a series of meetings and a home visit. Essentially they write a very detailed report about us, our family histories, heritage, childhoods, marriage, parenting philosphies, motivation to adopt, neighborhood, home, finances, etc, etc, ultimately giving their stamp of approval for us to adopt (as an FYI, we also had to supply our Homestudy Social Work agency with its own stack of documents/paperwork/references that are separate from the dossier paperwork).

So...this big pile of documents is what physically makes up the Dossier. Keep in mind that most of these documents, once we have collected them, have to be notarized and some even further must be state sealed by the secretary of state...it really is a bunch of crazy hoops to jump through. Essentially, this paperwork (the Dossier) is what is presented to the Ethiopian courts after they have identified a child for us, to allow us to adopt the child legally through the ET government. Actual US citizenship and formal adoption of the child in the US are a whole other story for another day....

Hope this bit of detail helps....Yeah for next steps!!!!