Today Was The Day

The key word is WAS. Today is almost over and I wish I had something to share, something to report. But alas I do not. I knew this would be the case, but it doesn't make it any easier. Our agency (Holt) in all its conservative ethical glory has recently changed their policy and doesn't confirm passing court until they have the formal paper decree in hand which takes the court about 5 days to issue. I guess there are often contingencies on the ruling that is issued (i.e. tge Ministry of Womens Affairs in ET had errors in their paperwork or forgot some paperwork or something of the like) and Holt's staff in ET does not feel comfortable sharing the news until they have the paper decree in hand.

To say that today was anticlimactic and difficult all in one would be an understatement. The fact of the matter is that legally Cullen could be our son already, but we have no idea if this is the case or if we will have to wait another 4 months for those sweet words to be true. It is probably my fault...I built this day up in my mind so much. It was our day of reckoning. We have already waiting almost 4 months since first seeing his sweet face including a 2 week delay from a reschedule from our first date of Oct 7th. But today came and I spent it crying rather than celebrating. It seems like an unfair joke, that we have to wait an extra week when he could already be our son. I am frustrated and sad. I am mad at my agency (even if they have good reason to do it). I need to pull myself out of this slump. Monday we should at least be able to find out if we were rescheduled or did not pass...if we don't get word of that on Monday, then we are allowed to assume that we are just waiting for the official paper decree to be issued (i.e. we passed). I am just emotionally spent. I have said it before and I will say it again...it feels like I am running a race and someone keeps moving the finish line on me. Fortunately this is more like a mile marker...the finish line should still be the same if we have passed but this step in the process is just a mile longer than it was supposed to be.

Okay...I need to distract myself again or the insanity will take over. I have no idea how I will make it to Monday, let alone Thursday or Friday.
I WANT MY BOY HOME!!!!!!!!